The 4 big fears & how to tame them
The fight for an authentic life.
We are all afraid of something. If you’re an intellligent being you’re probably afraid a lot. It’s an inherent part of who we are, how we make decisions and how we interact with others.
A little fear isn’t all bad. Being afraid of getting hit by a car ensures we look both ways before crossing the road. Fear of injury stops us from jumping from heights unnescessairly. Fear of being broke keeps us from rash or impulsive decisions.
But too much fear is a limiting force. It debilitates. It encroches. It drains.
Taming our fears is the key to a fulfilling life. A life of purpose. Meaning. Creativity. Joy. Happiness. Only when we harness our fears, can we reach great heights.
Most fears are learned. The only fear we’re born with is fear of loud noises, so everything else is learned. And everything learned, can be unclearned.
First step in taming your fears is identifing them — and luckily the shortlist of the most common fears is only 4 fears deep. You might feel you experience a little of all of them, or there might be one that particularly sets you off. That’s all ok. But giving language to your fears is an incredible tool.
FEAR #1: FEAR OF REJECTION
This one’s a big one. If you’re afraid of being turned down, criticised, judged, abandoned, left, isolated, not taken seriously, undermined, overruled or ignored, this one’s all yours.
Maybe it’s a bit less obvious. Perhaps you’re nervous of what your peers or coworkers or friends think. So you box yourself in a little to avoid saying something they disagree with or dislike. In other words, you censor yourself.
Maybe you think your passions aren’t important enough or won’t have an impact. Maybe they’re not big enough to matter, either socially, politically, artistically or humanly. So you silence them. You tell yourself not to bother.
Or maybe you feel your goals, hopes and dreams are whimsical, stupid or somehow ‘wrong.’ Maybe you hide them, and instead talk about more socially acceptable things. Maybe you tell people you want to be a lawyer when you really want to design shoelaces?
FEAR #2: FEAR OF FAILIURE
Universal and potent. Deeply characterised by a state of believing no matter what you do, it won’t pan out. Riddled with worst case scenarios, you prepare for every eventuality and in so doing never start.
Or maybe you convince yourself, before doing all that, that there’s no point trying. Or whatever it is, isn’t even worth doing. Or maybe, you think somebody else already did it or is better placed to do it in the future, so you tell yourself not to bother. So you keep pursuing the low hanging fruit, the easy road, the path of least resistance, instead of fighting for what you want.
Or maybe there’s an inner voice that tells you whatever you’re thinking won’t work, so even if you try, it’ll be a waste of effort or time or resources or energy. And that would be embarrassing.
So you simply don’t try.
FEAR #3: FEAR OF NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH
We’ve all heard of impostor syndrome, but there’s many flavours of that tea. If you fear you’re not good at what you do, there’s no market for your abilities, or that you have no talent, you can easily paint yourself into a corner of complacency.
You start to doubt your intelligence or ability or skill or training. Even more insidius, you start to feel you lack the discipline or passion or hope. And you start to believe you don’t have the right connections or financial freedom or mindset or resilience or support. Before you know it those thoughts and feelings become solidified as facts. And then excuses.
Or maybe it’s more subtle than that.
Maybe you’re afraid you’re not pretty enough. Or fit enough. Or thin enough. Or old enough. Or young enough. Or special enough. Or average enough. All at the same time. A cocktail of self loathing.
FEAR #4: FEAR OF YOURSELF
More common than you think. Maybe you’re worried about looking arrogant, or too strong, or too optimisitic or a narcisist. Being described as selfish. You’re afraid of upsetting someone with your courage.
Who do you think you are, after all?
Or maybe you believe you have something deep inside you which you need to control, like a deep-seated anger, or sadness, or pain. And that if you pursue what matters to you somehow your hold on that will weaken. And you can’t have that. That would be dangerous.
Or maybe it’s your history. Something about nothing ever going well so better not to bother. Or something about how well everything’s gone, so it probably won’t go well again.
Or maybe, just maybe, you’re afraid for what success would mean for you. All that change. In your life, your relationships. Maybe you’re afraid of outearning your parents, or outshining your partner, or outgrowing your friends. Maybe you feel the strength of your inner light but fear the people in your life can’t take it. And you fear the loneliness of that change.
EMBRACE YOUR FEARS
The more you run from something, the more it defines you. Managing your fears, taming them, taking the edge off their impact, takes practice. They never really go away. But it is possible to limit their impact and start to use them to your benefit.
Naming the fear is the beginning. It gives you the ability to take it out of it’s vague, chaotic, volotile state and examine it with logic and reason. Once you know what the fear is, you can evaluate it. Sometimes you can trace it’s orgin. You can assess it’s risks. You can choose a next step.
If you recognise your fears, you can master them.
And if master them, you can draw power from them.
IT’S ALL IN YOUR MIND
What if I told you it’s ok to be rejected. What if I said the people who reject you are not your people, and they don’t matter anyway. What If I promised that failure is a process, a step, a temporary phase on route to success. And that without it there is no progress. What if I said you were exactly what the world needed. What if I showed you how precious you are. What if I held your hand and looked in the mirror with you, and made you see how perfect you already are. What I told you the people who end up intimidated by your light have their own things to deal with. And if they turn their back on you it’s about them, not you. What if I promised on the other side there’s a whole world waiting for you, with love and support from people you’ve yet to meet.
What if I told you, you are enough.
—
💬 Inspired? Challenged? Unconvinced? Let me know below.
👉 Follow me on Medium for more on growth, personal development, and leadership.
